Happy November ladies! This year has really flown by! I have enjoyed sharing with you all, and a few days ago I turned 33!  I am so excited to share, learn, and grow with you all in this new chapter of my life! This month we are talking about busyness. Life can be busy, and we as women wear many hats. We are mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, girlfriends, employees/bosses, and the list goes on. Each relationship takes a little bit more from us and requires more time from our day. We are naturally busy individuals. Have you ever stopped to think “Why do I take on so much?” “Did I really have to say yes to that?”

I found myself in a perpetual state of being “busy.” How many of you know that busy doesn’t always equate to productive? At one time I worked two jobs while I was living at home with my mom. BUSY. I always worked overtime, which almost equated to two jobs. BUSY. Before my layoff in 2017, I worked 10 hours a day sometimes 6 days a week and I had something to do after work EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. BUSY. Imagine how I felt from all that busyness to having absolutely nothing to do, except look for jobs and maybe go to the gym or for a walk. Your girl was sick! I felt so unproductive. Who was I now?

This gave me time to think. I thought about why I always took on extra responsibilities, extra hours at work, and extra tasks. I came to the conclusion that I was struggling with my identity, I had a need to be needed, and I was covering up deficiencies. This was a very sobering revelation. Sometimes we keep ourselves busy because we feel that we are what we do. Usually when someone says “tell me about yourself” we automatically say what we do, not who we are. We want to establish our titles or accolades first. I always had a “title” or was a part of something. So, what was I gonna tell them now? I felt my identity was in my job or activities. I wanted to be needed but didn’t want to need anyone else. I wanted to drown out the things I had no desire to face. I didn’t have time for emotions when my planner was full! I even remember saying during an emotional moment in my life “I don’t have time to cry.” Aside from the fact that I do not like to do it, to say I don’t have time to feel??? 

Right in that barren place, I had plenty of time to allow God to show me who I was. My identity is in Him. I don’t have to fill my life with work and activities to feel important. I don’t have to overcompensate to feel successful because of my fear of failure. We are so much more than our titles, activities we are apart of, and accolades. Even with those things, we can still end up empty, stagnant, and exhausted; especially if they are not endorsed by God. I wanted to look the part, but I was raggedy inside. I didn’t have time to focus on the things I needed to fix or work on. I just continued to cover them with my “busyness.” Busy and bleeding. I was reading Without Rival by Lisa Bevere and she said “God asked her did she want to LOOK fruitful or BE fruitful”. That touched my soul! There is a difference ladies!! Looking fruitful is for people, but being fruitful is for God to use you to reach people!

God gives us identity through His word. He says we are the salt of the earth. The world has flavor and substance because we serve Him. He says we are victorious, we have authority, we have dominion and power. We are His daughters, intricately made to be His glory carriers. Fearfully and wonderfully made so that each of us bring something different to the kingdom. This is who we are outside of all of those extracurricular activities. This is what truly matters. This is what remains even in the breakup, layoff, divorce, disappointment, or loss. It’s one thing to know who you are, it’s another thing to embody it.

Let’s go to Bible study! The topic of busyness reminded me of the story of Martha and Mary. This story is found in Luke 10:38-42 and John 12:2-7. Martha and Mary are sisters, and they were set to host Jesus and His disciples for dinner when they came through their city. Martha was in the kitchen cooking and preparing for the visit. Like us, the food wasn’t ready when her guest got there! She was still preparing and Mary was sitting at the feet of Jesus; gleaning and listening to His words. She was captivated. Martha, on the other hand, was like “Ummm so Jesus this isn’t fair, I’m trying to prepare for you and sis is just chilling like there’s nothing to do. Make her come help me!” Jesus basically replied, “Martha, you worried about the wrong thing, Mary actually has the right idea.” Martha wanted to please Jesus the man of flesh, Mary wanted to please His spirit man. Martha wanted to serve Him with food and hospitality, Mary wanted to serve Him with her sacrifice. Martha wanted to look fruitful and Mary was actually being fruitful.

So which sister are you? I’m sure we probably have a little of both. We look at Martha and think she’s a boss and she was handling things. She kinda made Mary look unproductive. She was irritated because Mary was sitting still. Jesus proved to her that there is power in being still. We don’t have to neglect those things and activities, but we need to learn to be still and listen to what He has to say. Martha’s only reward was that she could tell her girls that she cooked for Jesus. Mary gave a sacrifice. She listened and she prepared Him for His sacrifice for us. She had the right idea and she had everlasting rewards.

So we no longer have to continue to fill our lives with things that make us look the part. There is nothing wrong with being apart of things, saying yes to obligations, or just being busy, however, check your motives. If you’re doing it to get special recognition and approval from others, to prove something to someone that probably doesn’t care, or to look “fruitful”, you have the wrong idea. Let’s ask Him to make us fruitful for Him. Whatever we produce, be it at work, church, a project, or organization, we should want it to look like Him. In order to do that, we have to be like Mary and sit at His feet. Spend time with Him. Allow Him to pour out His love, wisdom, healing, and peace upon us. I pray that we learn to make room for Him, that we learn to just slow down and check our motives before taking on tasks, that we understand that we are so much more than what we do. I pray that we receive healing and revelation in our stillness. That we allow our identity to come from Him and we walk in the power we receive from the encounter with Him. Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving and much love, my dear ladies!!

Hey there LOVELY people! I can’t believe it is already October! Hope you all are making it a great one! This month we are talking about emerging. I have a thing for the thesaurus and a dictionary so I will look up a word in a hot second to make sure I am using it correctly.  I took a look at the definition of emerging and I saw some powerful phrases. I found “to move out or away”, “to surface”, “to come into view”. My favorite definition was “to come to the end of a difficult period or experience.” I was like Yaaaaassssss! That’s what I was looking for!

When you are in the process of emerging from something, that is a very pivotal time in your life. You have to set boundaries! I spent so much of my life in the dark, it was difficult for some to handle me moving in my light. This light changed the way I carried myself, the way I spoke, the way I dressed, the way I allowed others to treat me, and the decisions I made. This place will cause you to put people in their correct “seat” in your life. You will realize that you had folks in the front row that need to be in the balcony! Maybe even in the lobby with no ticket! Sometimes we connect with others through pain and insecurities–when that part of you heals that connection is broken. You can continue to try to keep it, but God will continue to show you things that further prove that point. During this time, you have to protect your process, your peace, and your purpose. Let’s unpack that.

During your process, you’re putting together the pieces. You may not understand, so it’s impossible to expect someone else to understand. It’s YOUR process. This is an opportunity to assess situations, learn about yourself and those around you, and allow God to reveal who He needs you to be. The process can be a daunting and sometimes lonely place. The company you keep during this time can either push you forward, push you backwards, or keep you stuck. Just trying to live a life pleasing to God can convict and intimidate others, but that’s not your battle to fight. They have to want more of Him for themselves. They can either follow you as you follow Christ, or you will have to move their “seat”. Because everyone couldn’t be close to your process, all they know is who you were. They have no idea who you have evolved into! This requires you to retrain people how to treat you. During my emergence of self-esteem issues, I had someone tell me “you don’t act like you think you’re ugly anymore.” Mind you, it was not in a celebratory tone. Ummmm there were so many ways that could have been addressed, at that moment I put up my church finger in my head and moved that “seat.”  You can still love them, they just can’t be close to your process! You owe no one an explanation for your healthy growth! Some people like you better broken, it makes their broken places look healthy.

Now let’s talk about peace. Peace is an inward sense of completeness, wholeness, and calmness. This is the peace that God gives. Having peace does not mean that everything is going perfect, it does mean that you have the perspective that God is healing, working, and moving even though our results are not tangible. If those around you have beliefs or opinions that are contrary to what you believe to be true about your situation, they can ruin your peace. There have been many conversations that have been cut short for the sake of my peace! Especially when I was out of work. When people don’t understand how you are coping with a situation they would almost die in, they come for your peace! Your peace irritates people! Don’t let them take it, girl! You can gracefully shut down someone that tries to attack something you are trying to protect.

Lastly, we have to protect our purpose. Your process leads you to your purpose. How you handle your process determines your tenacity to pursue your purpose. This is why you have to protect your peace because it helps you handle things well. Every situation, issue, and disappointment has led me to this place. I haven’t always protected my process, peace, or purpose. When you know better, you do better. My purpose demands that there are some relationships and conversations I can’t entertain. There are activities I can’t be attached to and places I probably shouldn’t go. Those things may not be conducive to my purpose or the ones attached to it. Your purpose is not just about you! It’s about those God has called you to lead or serve. People will sometimes watch your life and use it as a model of how they should follow Christ. You can be dripping with anointing, but if your moral character isn’t right you lose trust and credibility and still end up ineffective. How does your life look in the lens of someone that wants to grow in Christ? Can they see your light? Are you bearing fruit?

One thing about a process is that it can be continual. We may be in one process now, and in another in a matter of months. We should constantly be evolving and growing. Once we conquer one mountain we should be like “God what’s next, what else do I need to work on or give up? How can I work on this character flaw?” We often want to bypass the process. As painful or awkward as it may be, it is essential to our development towards our purpose. God does not use me because I don’t complain about my process, because I do everything right, because my face has been delivered, or because my thoughts are just full of the Lord. He uses me because I am willing to be used. As reluctant as I can be, I still yield to Him. I open myself up to allow Him to pour into me so that I can pour into others.

So, what will your emergence look like? Everyone’s emergence will look different, and prayerfully there will be many emergence moments in our lives as we continue to transform and grow in God. I am so thankful for my many emergence moments. Without them, you would not be reading this. I wanted to be invisible. I was perfectly fine with none of you knowing anything about me. I’m one of those “the less you know about me, the better we get along” type of girls. I wanted to walk around blind and deaf to what was around me so I didn’t have to feel or live up to what God had for me to do. Those mentalities would have left me in my dark places, so I would never be able to help someone else come out of theirs. My need to be obedient superseded my need to just be left alone.

I had to learn to protect those areas in order to continue to grow, learn and develop into my full potential. Just like there are some that were waiting for me to produce this blog, someone is waiting for you to walk in your purpose as well. Someone needs to know how you made peace in your process and how it led you to your purpose. We have to be the key that unlocks someone else’s prison. I WISH I had this resource, but instead He has given me beauty for my ashes and is allowing me to BE the resource. I pray that God continues to be with us in the process by giving us His perfect peace. That He would lead us to seek Him for what He needs us to do in the earth that only we can do. That we would protect that very thing and be a good steward over what He has us to do and the people connected to it. Let’s emerge y’all!

Happy September Lovelies! So I have a funny story to tell that came to remembrance a few months ago. When I was a little girl, 5th grade, I must have had my first real experience with God. I had a little pink Bible that had a little snap closure, and I carried it EVERYWHERE!! Even school! I’m sure my classmates remember that Bible as well as my favorite phrase “I’m gonna tell my daddy!” This was my go to phrase when someone hurt me, offended me, or when things didn’t go my way. At that point, my brother had been born recently and I had been the only child, grandchild, and niece for 10 years. I was kinda used to getting my way! I had not met my earthly father, so I was referring to God as my daddy. He could handle my situations, issues, and giants. I loved my daddy, and daddy loved me!

Obviously, I am the product of a single parent home. Let me give you some numbers. There are 13.6 million single parents in the US. Of those, 84% are mothers and 16% are fathers. Parents are the first people to model a healthy sense of love. They shape how we see it in the world. The father’s role is to lead, protect, and provide. The mother’s role is to teach and nurture. So we have millions of people with a tainted view of love and security due to “parent wounds.” Parent wounds are real and can also happen in a two parent home. It’s pretty obvious how this can happen in a single parent home, these are a few examples of how it can happen in a two parent home. You could have a parent that is there, but not there and be inflicted with parent wounds. You can see a dysfunctional display of love from a two parent home because one or both parents haven’t healed from their wounds resulting in parent wounds. You can have a parent that is not supportive, mean, or partial to other siblings and end up with parent wounds. No matter which bucket we fall in, those wounds have to be healed before we can ever experience love in a healthy way, be it giving or receiving. I didn’t think I had any, I mean who could be better than the daddy that I already knew, right?

Shortly after my elementary school evangelist stage, the option was presented to me to meet my earthly dad and I said yes. Maybe I wanted to experience being a daddy’s girl in a tangible way. I met him on my 11th birthday. I had an image of a daddy in God, but this was different.

This decision fed a rejection that was already rooted in the womb. Yes, rejection is a spirit that can enter through words and feelings. Your girl was not exactly a planned pregnancy. The circumstances were not the happiest or ideal, so yes the rejection was already there. This decision also brought disappointment and anger. I took on a feeling of constant disappointment to the point that it was normal. That along with other heart injuries caused me to grow numb. I was nonchalant and pretty much braced myself for rejection and disappointment. I often wondered, why didn’t I just say no? I always said I don’t need that relationship, but to be honest I did. I don’t regret that “yes”. I gained relationship with my siblings and now the sweetest thing for me to hear is “Aunt Tressa”! I set my dad up for failure before even knowing him. I had silent and very unrealistic expectations for him. I’m sure you all can relate to having this image of someone that remains in your brain, and when that person doesn’t measure up, they are to blame. Now, he did not fulfill his role as a father in my life, but he couldn’t give me anything out of his own voids, no one can. It took a looooong time, but I forgive him. As I stated in my first post, I was going to counseling to heal and possibly revive that relationship, but unfortunately that didn’t happen. There were many things that could have been done differently, however, every feeling and event shaped me and forced me back to my first love.

I promised myself that I would read more, and I am proud to say I am still holding true to my word! While I was out of work, one of the books I read was Abba by Dr. Matthew Stevenson. That was when I was reminded about the relationship I had with God as a child. I also realized that at first I measured my earthly father to God and when things went south, I measured God to my earthly father. I literally cried because I realized I had left my position as a daughter of Christ. I was not resting in my position as His beloved, as the apple of His eye. I lost my view of Him. I was praying and worshiping but there was still a disconnect. Words would be spoken over my life by trusted individuals and I’m like “oh ok.” When I tell you I had built walls! Nothing could get in, and nothing could come out. I didn’t even grant God free access to those places. There was still the thought that He was going to disappoint me too. It’s like going to the hospital because you’ve been injured, but you won’t let the doctor touch the area. How was I ever gonna get healing like that?

God brought this to my memory to let me know that I needed to get back to my position as daddy’s little girl. I needed to trust Him like I did before. I needed to understand that I won’t always get my way, but He was always there to protect me. I needed to allow Him to love me and comfort me. My heart was hard, but my daddy promised to give me a new heart and spirit. He promised to turn my heart of stone into one of flesh so I can feel the good and the not so great. In my rightful place, there is healing, joy, peace, protection, identity, and love. Everything I needed. Everything I thought I lacked. It is a daily decision to rest in that place. To have expectation because the earth belongs to my daddy, and it’s his good pleasure to bless me. To actually feel like I’m living my best life. To walk by faith and not by sight. To believe that I WON’T BE DISAPPOINTED!

Because I decide to rest in my position as a daughter, I have more to give and I can effectively receive. I will always be a daddy’s girl and so will you! He promises us that when our mother and father forsake us He will adopt us! Ask God to remind you when you left! Usually after a hurt or trauma we just walk away from our promises looking for something or someone to ease the pain. Find your way back to your position as a daughter of Christ. He never leaves His post as a father, we are the ones that wander!

 

Hello Lovelies! You will find in each post that you will learn more and more about me. I believe that each of us have layers. This was created to be a safe place, a no judgement zone. With that said, I have a confession. This is something I always hold very close to me. Its nothing to really be ashamed of, but I have not always been so comfortable with it. Here goes! My name is Vontressa, I am a 32 year old virgin, and I have never been in a relationship. You all have no idea how liberating that was! Now although this is something that is celebrated, especially among Christians, I have not always felt like I was just out here doing the work of the Lord sis! My thoughts, feelings, and actions were not always pure. I wanted to be boo’ed up like Ella Mai too!

This journey has been filled with depression, low self-esteem, rejection, lust, and fear. My issue was that I felt like I had never been chosen by a man. None of the guys I ever liked had chosen me, and I certainly didn’t feel chosen by God! There were so many questions; Why didn’t any of the guys I like actually like me back? Why did I always hear the word no? What was so wrong with me? I was like God you literally control everything, and you mean to tell me you can’t make this dude like me back! That part of my life was like the New Edition song You’re Not My Kind of Girl on repeat!  I felt like this was a cruel punishment, and I blamed God, after all he did make me. I did not feel like I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I always blamed it on the fact that I was plus sized and apparently wasn’t pretty enough. I couldn’t see anything wrong with my many crushes, so I had to be the issue. Those thoughts, feelings and emotions plagued me for years.

Often times I felt hopeless. I was going to church, trying to do right, praying, but I was empty. I was wounded, hurt, and couldn’t understand why my one prayer couldn’t be answered. Lovelies, life is all about perspective and mine had to make a shift. Looking back, I can see God’s protection in every situation. Protection from harsher rejection, from men who were confused about their own identity, from cycles, from men who couldn’t lead, and even once protection of my life! God protected me from what I thought I wanted.  He also protected those young men from me!  I wasn’t ready (in Kevin Hart’s voice)! I wasn’t tender, I was insecure, and I didn’t truly love myself. He would have been empty pouring into me and I would have damaged him.

I wasn’t sexually promiscuous, but I was an emotional whore. I was easy. All I needed was an idea that I could potentially be chosen and in my mind the engagement, wedding, and baby shower were already planned! The sad thing is, none of those emotions were reciprocated; If they were I didn’t get the memo. I was always left feeling hurt, unloved, and unworthy.  I was thirsty, and nothing can fill a God hole but God. I’m sure many of you have heard about the woman at the well in the Bible. (John 4) I’m sure we all can identify with her. She was thirsty, and none of her “husbands” could give her what her heart thirst for, until she had an encounter with Jesus. My thirst was for companionship, validation, and love. Listen, EVERYBODY GOT A THIRST! Your thirst may not be my thirst, but you got one! Although I still have the desire for a mate, I’m not thirsty for him. I am busy preparing my heart and mind for his arrival, as well as making sure that I have stability in my most important relationship with the Father.

I am learning daily that His plans for me are higher than I can imagine. As they are for you! I have no idea who this man is or when he will manifest. I do know that my identity isn’t tied to being a wife. I do know that there is nothing wrong with me, even if I am still pleasantly plump. I have flaws, but so does he. I do know that I have been prepared with the right amount of pain and joy to be the woman he needs. I am equipped for someone. All of my past crushes were not bad people, they were just not my people. They were assigned to me for a reason, but they were not a destiny assignment. We get that confused at times and hold on for dear life to people that we were supposed to teach or learn from and keep it moving. God has placed this desire in me and he will fulfill.

So, I continue to walk in His strength, power, and wisdom to a place called wholeness. Do I feel like this every day? Nope! However, I am so thankful for a healthier perspective, and a relationship with God where I can be honest about this thing. There He gives me the affirmation needed to quit whining and proceed! I pray that this was helpful to someone. I pray that you will be able to identify your “thirst”, get to the root of the issue, and allow God to fill every broken and void area with His love and security. Be honest with yourself and just lay it at the feet of Jesus.  Just as He promised her, He will give us living water so we will never thirst again.

Hugs and kisses,

Tressa

Hello Lovelies! You will find in each post that you will learn more and more about me. I believe that each of us have layers. This was created to be a safe place, a no judgement zone. With that said, I have a confession. This is something I always hold very close to me. Its nothing to really be ashamed of, but I have not always been so comfortable with it. Here goes! My name is Vontressa, I am a 32 year old virgin, and I have never been in a relationship. You all have no idea how liberating that was! Now although this is something that is celebrated, especially among Christians, I have not always felt like I was just out here doing the work of the Lord sis! My thoughts, feelings, and actions were not always pure. I wanted to be boo’ed up like Ella Mai too!

This journey has been filled with depression, low self-esteem, rejection, lust, and fear. My issue was that I felt like I had never been chosen by a man. None of the guys I ever liked had chosen me, and I certainly didn’t feel chosen by God! There were so many questions; Why didn’t any of the guys I like actually like me back? Why did I always hear the word no? What was so wrong with me? I was like God you literally control everything, and you mean to tell me you can’t make this dude like me back! That part of my life was like the New Edition song You’re Not My Kind of Girl on repeat!  I felt like this was a cruel punishment, and I blamed God, after all he did make me. I did not feel like I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I always blamed it on the fact that I was plus sized and apparently wasn’t pretty enough. I couldn’t see anything wrong with my many crushes, so I had to be the issue. Those thoughts, feelings and emotions plagued me for years.

Often times I felt hopeless. I was going to church, trying to do right, praying, but I was empty. I was wounded, hurt, and couldn’t understand why my one prayer couldn’t be answered. Lovelies, life is all about perspective and mine had to make a shift. Looking back, I can see God’s protection in every situation. Protection from harsher rejection, from men who were confused about their own identity, from cycles, from men who couldn’t lead, and even once protection of my life! God protected me from what I thought I wanted.  He also protected those young men from me!  I wasn’t ready (in Kevin Hart’s voice)! I wasn’t tender, I was insecure, and I didn’t truly love myself. He would have been empty pouring into me and I would have damaged him.

I wasn’t sexually promiscuous, but I was an emotional whore. I was easy. All I needed was an idea that I could potentially be chosen and in my mind the engagement, wedding, and baby shower were already planned! The sad thing is, none of those emotions were reciprocated; If they were I didn’t get the memo. I was always left feeling hurt, unloved, and unworthy.  I was thirsty, and nothing can fill a God hole but God. I’m sure many of you have heard about the woman at the well in the Bible. (John 4) I’m sure we all can identify with her. She was thirsty, and none of her “husbands” could give her what her heart thirst for, until she had an encounter with Jesus. My thirst was for companionship, validation, and love. Listen, EVERYBODY GOT A THIRST! Your thirst may not be my thirst, but you got one! Although I still have the desire for a mate, I’m not thirsty for him. I am busy preparing my heart and mind for his arrival, as well as making sure that I have stability in my most important relationship with the Father.

I am learning daily that His plans for me are higher than I can imagine. As they are for you! I have no idea who this man is or when he will manifest. I do know that my identity isn’t tied to being a wife. I do know that there is nothing wrong with me, even if I am still pleasantly plump. I have flaws, but so does he. I do know that I have been prepared with the right amount of pain and joy to be the woman he needs. I am equipped for someone. All of my past crushes were not bad people, they were just not my people. They were assigned to me for a reason, but they were not a destiny assignment. We get that confused at times and hold on for dear life to people that we were supposed to teach or learn from and keep it moving. God has placed this desire in me and he will fulfill.

So, I continue to walk in His strength, power, and wisdom to a place called wholeness. Do I feel like this every day? Nope! However, I am so thankful for a healthier perspective, and a relationship with God where I can be honest about this thing. There He gives me the affirmation needed to quit whining and proceed! I pray that this was helpful to someone. I pray that you will be able to identify your “thirst”, get to the root of the issue, and allow God to fill every broken and void area with His love and security. Be honest with yourself and just lay it at the feet of Jesus.  Just as He promised her, He will give us living water so we will never thirst again.

Hugs and kisses,

Tressa