Hello beloved!! So, a few months ago I was minding my business at work when I heard a question. The question was “How do you really feel about being single?” (If you haven’t read the blog post “The Confession” you may want to go back to that one to get the backstory.) To be asked that question seemed odd. Sometimes God wants our honesty so that we will invite Him in to heal that space, if we want it bad enough. Obviously, my initial answer was something like “I’m over it! Can you help? Where is homeboy?” I actually had to go home and write about it. As I looked back on my writings, I was reminded of a story in the Bible.

This story is about Jacob, Leah, and Rachel. I will give you a brief synopsis, but this story is found in Genesis 29 and 30. Jacob was a bit of a trickster so he fled to his uncle’s house to get away from his brother. Jacob started working for his uncle Laban and for pay he requested Laban’s youngest daughter, Rachel. He was willing to work seven years for her hand in marriage. Now, Leah was the oldest daughter and was described as “having no sparkle in her eye or having weak eyes”, while Rachel was described as “having a beautiful figure and lovely face”. I’m not sure about you, but I would not be too excited if someone were to describe me like they described Leah. In other words, Leah was seen as unattractive.

For seven years, Jacob worked in anticipation of his good thang. On Jacob’s wedding night, Laban swapped Leah for Rachel–tricking Jacob into sleeping with the wrong woman and thus sealing his marriage to Leah. The trickster got tricked! As you can probably imagine, Jacob was not happy, but it was the custom to give the oldest daughter in marriage first. Now, Rachel had to be the Beyonce’ of her day because Jacob worked another seven years for her hand in marriage as well! Yes, he ended up being married to both of them, and it caused a rivalry between the sisters. Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, and it seemed that he didn’t even try to hide it. Seems like the only time he engaged with Leah was when they where conceiving children. Leah wasn’t attractive, but could have children while Rachel was unable to conceive for a period of time. Each time Leah had a child, she would always say “Surely he will love me this time.” Does this sound like us sometimes?

I’m sure I am not the only one that has felt like a Leah in a world full of Rachels. Surely this wasn’t her first encounter with rejection and comparison. Leah kept producing to make herself noticeable, worthy, and loved by Jacob. Spoiler alert, he never loved her the way he loved Rachel. I once had a guy tell me that I was “too good,” I was like “‘Appreciate the respect, but I can be bad!!” LOL Similarly to Leah, I was willing to compromise my character and the will of God for my life for the chance to be chosen. We may dress a certain way, wear our hair just the way they like it, lose or gain weight, or make ourselves like the things that interest them, just so we can earn their affection. Like Leah, I felt like I needed to keep striving to be a certain way to even be noticed. How could someone that has always had to conform really know what they deserve if they don’t know who they are?

That is where I was. Lacking true identity. The past few years have been both frustrating and fulfilling. Yes, both. Most days I only feel like I have been forsaken when I have to take the trash out before my Hallmark movie comes on, get gas, or if something breaks. Then there are moments of pressure. I am a professional bridesmaid, most of my friends are married or in relationships, my family reminds me at every family dinner that we need more kids in the family(while looking at me), and I cringe when someone ask me if I am married or dating and I have to say no. On the other hand, I can honestly say that I have learned so much about myself during this time. I am appreciative of the time to develop into an asset, learn what I really need/want/deserve, understand what I will not compromise, and grow in who God has called me to be without distraction. It’s hasn’t been easy, but I’m better for it and I realize it must be working to accomplish God’s greater plan.

In the words of Outkast, we can plan a pretty picnic but we can’t predict the weather. Proverbs 19:21 says “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but the Lord’s purpose prevails.” I have tried several times to make things work. I pursued the process of adopting a baby because I had convinced myself I could handle being single if I had to, but I couldn’t fathom the thought of not having a child. It was a little selfish, as I was focusing on my timeline and the fact that nothing was materializing according to my plans. It didn’t happen. Although adoption has always been a desire of mine, I will allow God to alert me when it is time. He has consistently shown me that I am not in control and like the scripture says His purpose prevails.

In order for us to know that purpose, we have to look around us, or ask our heavenly manufacturer what the real issue is; So I did. My issue is that I am still learning how to love effectively. I typically love on a surface level. We’re good as long as you don’t get too close, then here come the walls of Jericho! Wouldn’t that be an awful relationship? I am learning the art of stepping outside of myself to love people in general, without fear and inhibitions. This assignment, as well as people that God has placed in my life are showing me how to grow in love and teaching me how to be vulnerable. Do I always accept the opportunities? Nope. But I do try to correct them because I am now aware of my actions. I am learning to be discerning and not skeptical. I will be able to express my thoughts and feelings, even if I have to write it out. Most importantly, I will be able to accept love completely, so my husband won’t feel rejected.

So if you are a single lady, my advice would be to make the most of your time in this season. Ask God how you can grow and heal to be more effective for the gift that He has to release and work towards that growth. Whatever you don’t work on or at least become aware of now will be magnified when you add another person in the equation. Be proactive instead of reactive in prayer. We usually go forth with someone new when the vibe hits and then pray “God, if this isn’t for me, show me or take it away.” Then we proceed to collect red flags and hope for the best; Just like Leah. By being proactive, we are able to be specific in prayer and know if it’s right or wrong when presented because of what we put before God. Not only will it look like what we asked for, but we don’t run the risk of living a one-sided love affair like Leah. Pray for your husband/mate, not just about him. He needs healing, growth, and development as well. This will also grow your faith.

I pray that we will continue to be encouraged. I pray that we will continue to cultivate the most important relationship before inviting someone else into our world. I pray that there He will give divine instructions and provide our standard to make the right decisions. I pray that we can relinquish our control so that His perfect plan can prevail. I pray that His plan for healthy, kingdom relationships and connections will be valued and welcomed by His daughters. Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted with His promise. (Hebrews 10:23) Live on, sis!

Hey ladies! As always, I am excited to share with you this month! There is a word that has been coming up in my vocabulary lately in different conversations and that word is sober. Of course, we have always known that definition as being clean, or not intoxicated by a substance such as drugs and alcohol. Sober also means to be self-controlled, restrained, clear-headed, and temperate. Have you ever considered how sobriety can be applied in our daily lives? Follow me, sweet face!

Let me tell you a funny story that was brought to my memory. I have never been a real drinker, so my tolerance is low. I may have a cute drink and I’m done because to me, I would kinda rather go shopping as a habit. Well, a few years ago for my birthday I decided that I was going to have a small kick back at my house and I was gonna partake in some libations! Yes, your girl got intoxicated! I knew when I stumbled on an ottoman that had been in my living room for years that I was just a tad bit lit! The alcohol impaired my thoughts and I figured”Oh yea, this glass is not that big, I can drink ALL of this.” I also thought that I could shake it like a red-nose because I looked it up on YouTube! 🤦🏾‍♀️So my sober friend had to tell me about my shenanigans the next day and I was like “I did that!??!” That was my first and last incident! My judgement was clouded, and had I been sober honey, NONE of that would have happened. My character was compromised, because what I didn’t say is that my crush was there as well! Don’t judge me, ya’ll!

Ladies, sobriety is not just what I needed that night, we need sobriety for life! We have to be sober to make good decisions, to choose relationships wisely, respond to opportunities that arise, and monitor the thoughts we entertain. Lack of sobriety impairs judgement. When we are intoxicated by our thoughts, feelings, and emotions, there is no room for us to hear God with clarity. What we feel can completely override God’s plans and thoughts for our lives. Lately, I have been having thoughts that tell me that I should just quit or not even pursue things that I know God has asked me to do. I just feel like someone else can do it just as well, it doesn’t seem to be working like I imagined, or that I am not adding value. Those thoughts come when I am drunk off of fear, inadequacy, and comparison. Sobriety would tell me that If God asked me to do it, then there is something that only I can bring to that group, event, or organization. If I quit, I am denying myself and others of an opportunity to see God in my life. If I quit, I am satisfying my flesh and the desires of the enemy.

We can also be intoxicated by things that are blessings or that appear to be a blessing. The enemy gives gifts as well, so we have to be sober. I have never been in a relationship, however I had a “situationship”, and I thought that was God. He loved God, he was a cute face, and it seemed like it would work. In my “knower”, I knew this wasn’t it, but because I just wanted that companionship I was drunk. I did not set boundaries or ask the right questions from the beginning. I chose to stay drunk because I didn’t want to be rejected again. All I got out of that was an emotional soul tie. There was nothing sexual, but I allowed access for him to toy with my emotions because I thought this was a gift. The lesson in this is that I have to be sober, set boundaries, and ask questions from the beginning, no matter how much I want it and without fear of rejection. To be honest, I am going to need someone else to keep me accountable because it is something I have desired so long. The excitement of it all may have me wasted. We can make long term decisions on temporary feelings when we are drunk. At this point in life, I am not in search of someone that makes me feel good, I need someone that has pure motives. Those are just a few of my examples, so what keeps you drunk, sis?

I’ve heard that when one is partaking in the turn up, it is wise to drink water. The water helps to dilute the alcohol so you won’t get too wasted by what you are ingesting. I guess you get the buzz, but you are still coherent. Let’s apply that to the place in our lives where we are intoxicated. We have to flush it out with the water of the word. We have to recite the word when those thoughts come to deceive us. God’s word is our weapon to fight against those thoughts. Usually if something has your mind, it has you. We have been given the living water to be sober. The word says in 2 Corinthians 10:4-6 “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds,  casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.”

This verse let’s us know that the fight is spiritual. The enemy wants us to stay in an intoxicated state so that we can’t pursue God fully. This tells us that we have to cast down those thoughts and that we bring them captive, which means to lock them up. Taking the authority that God has given us over those thoughts. When a thought, feeling, or emotion comes, we can recite this scripture, among others. 1 Thessalonians 5:6-8 says “So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night.  But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet.” This tells us to be alert of the intoxicating thoughts, feelings, and emotions by being awake and sober; It also tells us to gird ourselves with faith and love, and cover our head (which is where those thoughts reside) with hope and salvation.

I pray that we will continue to be alert and sober against the attacks against our mind, will, and emotions. I pray that we will continue to allow God to wash us with the water of His word and equip us with the proper tools to do our part in the fight. I pray that we will invite God into those places and allow His word to be performed in our lives. That we will be victorious over those feelings, thoughts, and emotions and step outside of ourselves to pursue Him and His plan for our lives with our whole hearts. That we cast down any strongholds that try to captivate our minds, and declare God’s word over every thought that is contrary to who He says we are. Stay sober, my friends!

Hello my loves! It is almost spring! During this time, some people do what they call “spring cleaning.” They take the time to do things that don’t get done on a regular basis; The more labor-intensive jobs that come along with having your own space. We have also heard of internal cleansing, such as a detox. A detox cleanses our bodies of toxic matter that has built up over time and if left unchecked, may cause issues. Have you ever considered a cleansing of your thought processes, habits, and deeply rooted issues that affect your quality of life? This one may be a little lengthy, but well worth it. Let’s talk about it!

I have been on a journey of developing in my character, growing, and healing in certain areas. One area I am being intentional about is self-awareness. “What does that mean, you ask?” Well, self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires. It is also defined as a clear perception of strengths and weaknesses. Another word I want to give you is the definition of the word Authenticity, which is basically being real or genuine. There is a direct relationship between the two. You can’t have true authenticity without being self-aware.

There are so many things that contribute to who we are as individuals. There could be things that come from our bloodlines and upbringing, hurt and disappointments of life, decisions we have made, and relationships we entertain, that play a huge part in who we become. We are products of our environments and can sometimes be oblivious to our strengths, weaknesses, flaws, and issues because we all naturally have blindspots. Those are the things we don’t see–even when we are looking. After doing something or being a certain way for so long, we can often think our behaviors are “normal.” Only someone from the outside can say “ummm, normal to whom?”

Our response is classic, “That’s just who I am!” I have been challenging myself by asking “But who said that was right, and when is it a good time to change that?” Usually, the person that addresses it is not the only person that notices. We can be made aware of those things by revelation and conviction from God, friends, family, and people we spend time with. Oh yes, God has challenged and brought things to my attention many times. There are also times when friends and family will bring them to your attention. Now here’s a disclaimer, please consider the source when the above takes place. They have to be trusted individuals that know you beyond the surface and tell you in love, not just because it’s something they have always wanted to say.

I will give you some transparency to paint a picture. This is an example of an issue that can come through the bloodline and its affects. In November, I went on my first solo trip to a women’s conference in Raleigh, NC. On the very first day, they spoke about generational issues and I got a very disturbing revelation. I was already aware that I have trust issues that have altered the way I handle relationships. I remembered in that moment that my great-great-grandmother, who was alive well into my adult life, would always tell us “Never trust anyone.” That is literally a word curse. I didn’t make it a habit of repeating it, but I never knew how those seeds sown have had an affect on me. I have no idea who jilted her or her previous generations, but that’s not healthy. Goodness knows I didn’t need that extra baggage. How does that statement look as a woman that wants to be married? How does that look at a time in my life when I am seeking deep connection and meaningful relationships? How does that look as I grow in my relationship with God? It looks like Mr. Wilson from Home Improvement! If you ever watched, you never saw anything but his eyes and there was always a fence between them! They have to relate to me over my walls. I thought “This has to be broken!” I need freedom and so does my family! I will not let this carry on into the lineage that comes from me! This is just my example. Often times we love so hard that we never take an opportunity to really look at our history to see why we are the way we are. As you continue to grow, you begin to see things that are just not quite acceptable. It is not always for you to say something! I’m going to give you a tool that may help.

I want to share with you the ASK concept; Acknowledge, Seek, Know. We cannot heal from anything we won’t own! God can’t fix who we pretend to be. We have to acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses. This helps us build better relationships, and we were created to be relational. There is always a root to every issue. Acknowledge them and figure out where it came from. It could be Anger, lust, fear, overeating, self-righteousness, or gossiping. It had to come from somewhere. Now you can proceed to seek. We must seek God for help! Some things are deeply rooted and must be broken! Pray, find scripture concerning that issue, you may even have to turn down a meal or two. Whatever it takes to get free! Once you have acknowledged, reveal to an accountability partner that will encourage your growth and help you seek healing and freedom. This accountability partner is someone that can call you on the carpet when you’re ready to go from 0-100 because you have an attitude problem. Proverbs 27:6 tells us “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” It’s better for a trusted individual to tell you your attitude is nasty than for others to just talk about you.

The last one is to know. You must know your triggers and try not to put yourself in compromising situations. Sis, if lust is your issue, maybe being out with bae late at night isn’t a good look. Maybe it’s that certain people take you back to the “old” you, that may not be your crowd anymore. That crew may not want to follow you in the new direction God is taking you. This takes a great level of maturity. You have to learn to say no to things that were once enticing to you or made you behave in a certain way.

So, I’m pretty sure you have identified some key areas that have now made you self-aware! If not, hopefully, you are seriously planning to think and pray on those things so the cleansing and healing can begin. Congratulations you are on the way to your authentic self! Most people think that being real is being bluntly honest. That is partly true, but most of us are not that real about things that really matter. Please realize that you can’t bare your soul to everyone. Y’all, social media is not the place to bleed! However, there are some people that need your authenticity to lead them to a deeper relationship with God. Give them something that shows your flaws, but also shows them how God uses your flaws because they are surrendered to Him. Truth is, we will be working on something until we expire; that’s why we need God.

I pray that we all become more self-aware, not to beat ourselves up, but to build ourselves in those areas of weakness. I pray that we surrender those things to God and seek him for healing and cleansing. I pray he places the right people in our lives to show them our scars, bleed in a trustworthy environment, and allow them to hold us accountable as we endeavor to be healthy, whole, and authentic. We will know the triggers and make strides to protect ourselves against those things that try to keep us in bondage. Prayerfully this was a helpful tool in your growth and restoration! Peace and blessings!

Well hello Lovelies! February is a month that is known for its celebration of Black History Month and Valentine’s Day. During this month we honor the pioneers that have paved the way for us as women, and we celebrate the love for ourselves or allow ourselves to be celebrated by a significant other. There are many pioneer women in the Bible as well. Women that we admire and have grown to love. Typically the woman we are talking about this month is one that is mostly mentioned around Mother’s Day. If you haven’t figured it out already, this month we are talking about the Proverbs 31 Woman!

I have read this passage in the Bible so many times and thought “Ummm, she does too much, I kinda don’t wanna be like her. I’ll look for someone that isn’t so intense!” I’m not exactly the get up before everyone, cooking breakfast type. However, I tried the Proverbs 31 Project by Melissa Callaway. It is literally a year-long challenge with things to do to push towards the goal of being the Proverbs 31 woman of this age. I stopped around the 4th month; Right when she gave me that workout plan! I rebuked that because they did not have gyms then. It says she was strong, not skinny, just saying. Reading it sounded very intimidating and unrealistic, then I found The Passion Translation. I absolutely encourage you to check it out on the YouVersion App and study in comparison with other versions to get greater understanding. Many think that Proverbs 31 only applies to being a good wife and mother, but being a Proverbs 31 Woman benefits our roles at work, business, at school, at church, and with friends. No one is exempt from needing to have good character. This woman was one of wisdom, strength, and virtue. The people around her were beneficiaries of the woman she was! Now, who wouldn’t want to be a woman of that caliber??

The verses about the virtuous woman start at Proverbs 31:10. In the Passion Translation, verse 10 says “Who could ever find a wife (woman) like this one-she is a woman of strength and mighty valor. She is full of wealth and wisdom. The price paid for her was greater than many jewels.” This lets us know that she has great value. She has been cultivated by spending time with God and has gained strength and wisdom. She has wealth, not just monetary, but as you read, you see that she is rich in relationships, favor, love, and honor. One of my favorite verses in this version is verse 14. It says “She gives out revelation-truth to feed others, she is like a trading ship bringing divine supplies from the merchant.” To me, this sounds like her mouth spews honesty and virtue because she is the trading ship and she brings divine wisdom, revelation, and understanding from the merchant, which is God! This shows us that she is not for the foolery! She had to keep her well pure.

This woman is not selfish, she reaches out to those in need and extends generosity. She is prepared for the future, this means being strategic about her next moves. Lazy is not her portion, as she proactively searches out the needs of her family. She looks good, and so does her family. Her husband and children honor her. She is a teacher, not just to her family, but she is generous with the wisdom that God has given her. The light on her life is infectious and makes others want to do whatever she did to get whatever she has! She is mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally available for her family. Her husband values and trust her to govern her areas of expertise because of the wisdom she holds. I gained a deeper revelation of this amazing woman and realized that she has many qualities and traits that I aspire to master!

Her value, fragrance, and oil are priceless! Not just anyone can afford what she has to offer! Ladies, we must protect our oil; Not everyone deserves it! This stands true in romantic and platonic relationships. God has called us priceless, precious jewels! Our oil can’t be duplicated. You know how two people can have on the same fragrance and they each smell different? Because they have different body chemistry! What I have won’t necessarily work for you and vice versa! Doesn’t that make you feel special? The fragrance you carry is specific to you! You work harder to protect something when you realize that you are the only one that can provide it! Beauty and charm are nice, but your fragrance adds substance and depth.

The Proverbs 31 woman was actually a portrait of the ideal woman meant to be “fit for a king.” However, these should be life goals. These qualities and characteristics keep us closer to God and draw others because they feel Him by just being in our presence. We will not get to this point by just reading books or going to conferences;We get there by understanding our true identity, cultivating our relationship with God, and hiding His word in our hearts. Psalms 119:11 says “I have hidden your word in my heart so I might not sin against you.” When we know our standard, we at least make a conscious effort to do better. She had the heart of God. She was in a place where He poured out His heart concerning her directly to her. She was an investor. She invested her time, energy, and resources to serve God and those around her. This ladies, is a phenomenal woman.

I am a believer that when we ask God for something, He often answers us with an opportunity. We don’t have to aspire to be just like the Proverbs 31 Woman, however, I’m sure she possesses something we need more of. It could be “God I need to be more submissive.” Well, next time your husband makes a decision that is reasonable, but you will not enjoy, submit! That’s your opportunity! It may be “God I need to work on being so selfish.” When someone asks for some of your hot, salty McDonald’s fries, share!! That’s an opportunity! We get opportunities to grow in our character daily; from a micromanaging boss, a whiny kid, an unreasonable coworker, to an annoying mate. Y’all, people make it hard, don’t they? I know! There are many days I want to push someone down and hope they don’t get hurt! But those are opportunities, it’s up to us whether we accept the challenge or choose to stay where we are. Let’s take steps to grow and be better women for our community, jobs, ministries, friends, and our world! We are called to be change agents, so ask yourself “Am I changing my atmosphere for the good or bad?”

My prayer is that God brings those growth areas to our attention. That we don’t take offense, but allow it to bother us enough to change! I pray that we will continue to seek Him for how we should handle our opportunities to grow and enhance the women we are. I pray that He would give us grace and strength to pursue those changes. I pray that our change will be visible by all and that it ignites a fire within others to grow! We don’t have to be the Proverbs 31 Woman, but we can use her as a role model to be greater wives, mothers, and women!