Hello Lovelies! You will find in each post that you will learn more and more about me. I believe that each of us have layers. This was created to be a safe place, a no judgement zone. With that said, I have a confession. This is something I always hold very close to me. Its nothing to really be ashamed of, but I have not always been so comfortable with it. Here goes! My name is Vontressa, I am a 32 year old virgin, and I have never been in a relationship. You all have no idea how liberating that was! Now although this is something that is celebrated, especially among Christians, I have not always felt like I was just out here doing the work of the Lord sis! My thoughts, feelings, and actions were not always pure. I wanted to be boo’ed up like Ella Mai too!

This journey has been filled with depression, low self-esteem, rejection, lust, and fear. My issue was that I felt like I had never been chosen by a man. None of the guys I ever liked had chosen me, and I certainly didn’t feel chosen by God! There were so many questions; Why didn’t any of the guys I like actually like me back? Why did I always hear the word no? What was so wrong with me? I was like God you literally control everything, and you mean to tell me you can’t make this dude like me back! That part of my life was like the New Edition song You’re Not My Kind of Girl on repeat!  I felt like this was a cruel punishment, and I blamed God, after all he did make me. I did not feel like I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I always blamed it on the fact that I was plus sized and apparently wasn’t pretty enough. I couldn’t see anything wrong with my many crushes, so I had to be the issue. Those thoughts, feelings and emotions plagued me for years.

Often times I felt hopeless. I was going to church, trying to do right, praying, but I was empty. I was wounded, hurt, and couldn’t understand why my one prayer couldn’t be answered. Lovelies, life is all about perspective and mine had to make a shift. Looking back, I can see God’s protection in every situation. Protection from harsher rejection, from men who were confused about their own identity, from cycles, from men who couldn’t lead, and even once protection of my life! God protected me from what I thought I wanted.  He also protected those young men from me!  I wasn’t ready (in Kevin Hart’s voice)! I wasn’t tender, I was insecure, and I didn’t truly love myself. He would have been empty pouring into me and I would have damaged him.

I wasn’t sexually promiscuous, but I was an emotional whore. I was easy. All I needed was an idea that I could potentially be chosen and in my mind the engagement, wedding, and baby shower were already planned! The sad thing is, none of those emotions were reciprocated; If they were I didn’t get the memo. I was always left feeling hurt, unloved, and unworthy.  I was thirsty, and nothing can fill a God hole but God. I’m sure many of you have heard about the woman at the well in the Bible. (John 4) I’m sure we all can identify with her. She was thirsty, and none of her “husbands” could give her what her heart thirst for, until she had an encounter with Jesus. My thirst was for companionship, validation, and love. Listen, EVERYBODY GOT A THIRST! Your thirst may not be my thirst, but you got one! Although I still have the desire for a mate, I’m not thirsty for him. I am busy preparing my heart and mind for his arrival, as well as making sure that I have stability in my most important relationship with the Father.

I am learning daily that His plans for me are higher than I can imagine. As they are for you! I have no idea who this man is or when he will manifest. I do know that my identity isn’t tied to being a wife. I do know that there is nothing wrong with me, even if I am still pleasantly plump. I have flaws, but so does he. I do know that I have been prepared with the right amount of pain and joy to be the woman he needs. I am equipped for someone. All of my past crushes were not bad people, they were just not my people. They were assigned to me for a reason, but they were not a destiny assignment. We get that confused at times and hold on for dear life to people that we were supposed to teach or learn from and keep it moving. God has placed this desire in me and he will fulfill.

So, I continue to walk in His strength, power, and wisdom to a place called wholeness. Do I feel like this every day? Nope! However, I am so thankful for a healthier perspective, and a relationship with God where I can be honest about this thing. There He gives me the affirmation needed to quit whining and proceed! I pray that this was helpful to someone. I pray that you will be able to identify your “thirst”, get to the root of the issue, and allow God to fill every broken and void area with His love and security. Be honest with yourself and just lay it at the feet of Jesus.  Just as He promised her, He will give us living water so we will never thirst again.

Hugs and kisses,

Tressa

Hello Lovelies! You will find in each post that you will learn more and more about me. I believe that each of us have layers. This was created to be a safe place, a no judgement zone. With that said, I have a confession. This is something I always hold very close to me. Its nothing to really be ashamed of, but I have not always been so comfortable with it. Here goes! My name is Vontressa, I am a 32 year old virgin, and I have never been in a relationship. You all have no idea how liberating that was! Now although this is something that is celebrated, especially among Christians, I have not always felt like I was just out here doing the work of the Lord sis! My thoughts, feelings, and actions were not always pure. I wanted to be boo’ed up like Ella Mai too!

This journey has been filled with depression, low self-esteem, rejection, lust, and fear. My issue was that I felt like I had never been chosen by a man. None of the guys I ever liked had chosen me, and I certainly didn’t feel chosen by God! There were so many questions; Why didn’t any of the guys I like actually like me back? Why did I always hear the word no? What was so wrong with me? I was like God you literally control everything, and you mean to tell me you can’t make this dude like me back! That part of my life was like the New Edition song You’re Not My Kind of Girl on repeat!  I felt like this was a cruel punishment, and I blamed God, after all he did make me. I did not feel like I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I always blamed it on the fact that I was plus sized and apparently wasn’t pretty enough. I couldn’t see anything wrong with my many crushes, so I had to be the issue. Those thoughts, feelings and emotions plagued me for years.

Often times I felt hopeless. I was going to church, trying to do right, praying, but I was empty. I was wounded, hurt, and couldn’t understand why my one prayer couldn’t be answered. Lovelies, life is all about perspective and mine had to make a shift. Looking back, I can see God’s protection in every situation. Protection from harsher rejection, from men who were confused about their own identity, from cycles, from men who couldn’t lead, and even once protection of my life! God protected me from what I thought I wanted.  He also protected those young men from me!  I wasn’t ready (in Kevin Hart’s voice)! I wasn’t tender, I was insecure, and I didn’t truly love myself. He would have been empty pouring into me and I would have damaged him.

I wasn’t sexually promiscuous, but I was an emotional whore. I was easy. All I needed was an idea that I could potentially be chosen and in my mind the engagement, wedding, and baby shower were already planned! The sad thing is, none of those emotions were reciprocated; If they were I didn’t get the memo. I was always left feeling hurt, unloved, and unworthy.  I was thirsty, and nothing can fill a God hole but God. I’m sure many of you have heard about the woman at the well in the Bible. (John 4) I’m sure we all can identify with her. She was thirsty, and none of her “husbands” could give her what her heart thirst for, until she had an encounter with Jesus. My thirst was for companionship, validation, and love. Listen, EVERYBODY GOT A THIRST! Your thirst may not be my thirst, but you got one! Although I still have the desire for a mate, I’m not thirsty for him. I am busy preparing my heart and mind for his arrival, as well as making sure that I have stability in my most important relationship with the Father.

I am learning daily that His plans for me are higher than I can imagine. As they are for you! I have no idea who this man is or when he will manifest. I do know that my identity isn’t tied to being a wife. I do know that there is nothing wrong with me, even if I am still pleasantly plump. I have flaws, but so does he. I do know that I have been prepared with the right amount of pain and joy to be the woman he needs. I am equipped for someone. All of my past crushes were not bad people, they were just not my people. They were assigned to me for a reason, but they were not a destiny assignment. We get that confused at times and hold on for dear life to people that we were supposed to teach or learn from and keep it moving. God has placed this desire in me and he will fulfill.

So, I continue to walk in His strength, power, and wisdom to a place called wholeness. Do I feel like this every day? Nope! However, I am so thankful for a healthier perspective, and a relationship with God where I can be honest about this thing. There He gives me the affirmation needed to quit whining and proceed! I pray that this was helpful to someone. I pray that you will be able to identify your “thirst”, get to the root of the issue, and allow God to fill every broken and void area with His love and security. Be honest with yourself and just lay it at the feet of Jesus.  Just as He promised her, He will give us living water so we will never thirst again.

Hugs and kisses,

Tressa