Hello beloved!! So, a few months ago I was minding my business at work when I heard a question. The question was “How do you really feel about being single?” (If you haven’t read the blog post “The Confession” you may want to go back to that one to get the backstory.) To be asked that question seemed odd. Sometimes God wants our honesty so that we will invite Him in to heal that space, if we want it bad enough. Obviously, my initial answer was something like “I’m over it! Can you help? Where is homeboy?” I actually had to go home and write about it. As I looked back on my writings, I was reminded of a story in the Bible.

This story is about Jacob, Leah, and Rachel. I will give you a brief synopsis, but this story is found in Genesis 29 and 30. Jacob was a bit of a trickster so he fled to his uncle’s house to get away from his brother. Jacob started working for his uncle Laban and for pay he requested Laban’s youngest daughter, Rachel. He was willing to work seven years for her hand in marriage. Now, Leah was the oldest daughter and was described as “having no sparkle in her eye or having weak eyes”, while Rachel was described as “having a beautiful figure and lovely face”. I’m not sure about you, but I would not be too excited if someone were to describe me like they described Leah. In other words, Leah was seen as unattractive.

For seven years, Jacob worked in anticipation of his good thang. On Jacob’s wedding night, Laban swapped Leah for Rachel–tricking Jacob into sleeping with the wrong woman and thus sealing his marriage to Leah. The trickster got tricked! As you can probably imagine, Jacob was not happy, but it was the custom to give the oldest daughter in marriage first. Now, Rachel had to be the Beyonce’ of her day because Jacob worked another seven years for her hand in marriage as well! Yes, he ended up being married to both of them, and it caused a rivalry between the sisters. Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, and it seemed that he didn’t even try to hide it. Seems like the only time he engaged with Leah was when they where conceiving children. Leah wasn’t attractive, but could have children while Rachel was unable to conceive for a period of time. Each time Leah had a child, she would always say “Surely he will love me this time.” Does this sound like us sometimes?

I’m sure I am not the only one that has felt like a Leah in a world full of Rachels. Surely this wasn’t her first encounter with rejection and comparison. Leah kept producing to make herself noticeable, worthy, and loved by Jacob. Spoiler alert, he never loved her the way he loved Rachel. I once had a guy tell me that I was “too good,” I was like “‘Appreciate the respect, but I can be bad!!” LOL Similarly to Leah, I was willing to compromise my character and the will of God for my life for the chance to be chosen. We may dress a certain way, wear our hair just the way they like it, lose or gain weight, or make ourselves like the things that interest them, just so we can earn their affection. Like Leah, I felt like I needed to keep striving to be a certain way to even be noticed. How could someone that has always had to conform really know what they deserve if they don’t know who they are?

That is where I was. Lacking true identity. The past few years have been both frustrating and fulfilling. Yes, both. Most days I only feel like I have been forsaken when I have to take the trash out before my Hallmark movie comes on, get gas, or if something breaks. Then there are moments of pressure. I am a professional bridesmaid, most of my friends are married or in relationships, my family reminds me at every family dinner that we need more kids in the family(while looking at me), and I cringe when someone ask me if I am married or dating and I have to say no. On the other hand, I can honestly say that I have learned so much about myself during this time. I am appreciative of the time to develop into an asset, learn what I really need/want/deserve, understand what I will not compromise, and grow in who God has called me to be without distraction. It’s hasn’t been easy, but I’m better for it and I realize it must be working to accomplish God’s greater plan.

In the words of Outkast, we can plan a pretty picnic but we can’t predict the weather. Proverbs 19:21 says “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but the Lord’s purpose prevails.” I have tried several times to make things work. I pursued the process of adopting a baby because I had convinced myself I could handle being single if I had to, but I couldn’t fathom the thought of not having a child. It was a little selfish, as I was focusing on my timeline and the fact that nothing was materializing according to my plans. It didn’t happen. Although adoption has always been a desire of mine, I will allow God to alert me when it is time. He has consistently shown me that I am not in control and like the scripture says His purpose prevails.

In order for us to know that purpose, we have to look around us, or ask our heavenly manufacturer what the real issue is; So I did. My issue is that I am still learning how to love effectively. I typically love on a surface level. We’re good as long as you don’t get too close, then here come the walls of Jericho! Wouldn’t that be an awful relationship? I am learning the art of stepping outside of myself to love people in general, without fear and inhibitions. This assignment, as well as people that God has placed in my life are showing me how to grow in love and teaching me how to be vulnerable. Do I always accept the opportunities? Nope. But I do try to correct them because I am now aware of my actions. I am learning to be discerning and not skeptical. I will be able to express my thoughts and feelings, even if I have to write it out. Most importantly, I will be able to accept love completely, so my husband won’t feel rejected.

So if you are a single lady, my advice would be to make the most of your time in this season. Ask God how you can grow and heal to be more effective for the gift that He has to release and work towards that growth. Whatever you don’t work on or at least become aware of now will be magnified when you add another person in the equation. Be proactive instead of reactive in prayer. We usually go forth with someone new when the vibe hits and then pray “God, if this isn’t for me, show me or take it away.” Then we proceed to collect red flags and hope for the best; Just like Leah. By being proactive, we are able to be specific in prayer and know if it’s right or wrong when presented because of what we put before God. Not only will it look like what we asked for, but we don’t run the risk of living a one-sided love affair like Leah. Pray for your husband/mate, not just about him. He needs healing, growth, and development as well. This will also grow your faith.

I pray that we will continue to be encouraged. I pray that we will continue to cultivate the most important relationship before inviting someone else into our world. I pray that there He will give divine instructions and provide our standard to make the right decisions. I pray that we can relinquish our control so that His perfect plan can prevail. I pray that His plan for healthy, kingdom relationships and connections will be valued and welcomed by His daughters. Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted with His promise. (Hebrews 10:23) Live on, sis!